Tripping On The Ladder

By Diva Nikki
(c) December 16, 2009

As 21^st Century women, we’ve grown up being told we can do anything—and everything—we put our minds to.

We balance careers and families. We volunteer, cook gourmet meals and wear fabulous shoes while doing it. We can do it all. We’re superwomen.

AND we’re now supporting our households financially and emotionally while our spouses search for their next careers.

The first time my husband was unemployed was within the first year of our marriage. We were both working toward our MBA degrees full time while working full time, and I felt like I still had to prove I was a perfect wife.

When my husband lost his job, I tried to keep things going as “normal”—which meant that not only was I working and studying full time, I was also still doing all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, remembering of all family birthdays…you get the picture.

Eventually, I cracked. It was eating me up inside that I was doing ALL this work and my husband was home. All day. Watching curling during the Olympics and playing video games.

At first I wanted to blame him. “I shouldn’t have to ask him to help,” I thought. “He should just recognize what needs to be done and do it!”

Then I realized: The reason he wasn’t helping was because I’d never asked him. So I finally did.  I learned that there are ways to ask for help that are more effective than others.

Ask. Don’t tell. Don’t yell. Ask.
Truthfully, unless you ask, your spouse probably doesn’t even realize you need help. Yelling at him or telling him what to do are not effective. Be calm, be specific.

Specifically, ask for help.
Your spouse isn’t going to say, “Gee, honey – I’d LOVE to do a bunch more work I’ve never done before!” But loving spouses do get a feeling of purpose by helping those they love. You’re giving them an opportunity to do that. Plus, by taking some of the incidental sources of stress off your plate, you’ve got more capacity to provide emotional support for him.

Teach him what to do.
If you’re asking for help around the house with chores he’s never done before, your spouse may need a bit of instruction. Show him where supplies are, how to work appliances, etc.

Make things easy.
Gather cleaning supplies into one area.  Buy ready-made frozen meals or mixes. Separate your dirty laundry. Make detailed lists.

Adjust your expectations.
Your spouse is not you. Do not expect that things will be done exactly as you do them. Rather, appreciate that things get done. Even if towels are folded differently or you eat spaghetti for four days in a row, celebrate the fact that you have clean towels and a meal prepared for you when you get home.

Show sincere appreciation.
Your spouse is helping you out, during a time when he’s already feeling stressed. Let him know that you truly appreciate what he’s doing to help make your life easier.

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) November 11, 2009

I really actually do have green eyes. But I have to admit something I’m not proud of: they’re even greener these days…with jealousy.

I confess. I’m jealous of my unemployed spouse. There are days when I’m downright, absolutely, positively envious.

If you’re currently unemployed and reading this, you probably think I must be off my rocker. But think of it this way:

My husband gets to be at home, on our comfy couch, with our cats in a quiet environment all day. There are no ergonomic office chairs, annoying phone calls, looming deadlines or demanding co-workers anywhere in sight.

There is no morning—or evening—commute that he has to deal with. No annoying drivers, no bad weather worries, no filling the car with gas every few days.

He doesn’t have to set an alarm; he can just get up when it’s light outside. And when he does get up, the coffee is already brewed and waiting. (Because, of course, there’s no way I’ve already gone off to work without coffee. I mean…please!)

He has hours every day he could use to do whatever he’d like. (If it were me, by the way, I’d be knitting socks. I’d totally have enough woolen gifts ready for family and friends to be set through the next three years’ of Christmases and birthdays.)

He totally has time to start an exercise program if he wants to. My biggest excuse for not exercising has always been lack of time. With all that time at home, I just know that the Wii Fit^TM I got for Christmas two years ago would be paying off by now if it were me. (Or at least that’s how it works in my head.)

He can wear comfortable clothes every day. There are no constrictive zippers or buttons in his wardrobe at all right now. If his clothes don’t match, there are no fashion police hovering to let him know. Heck, most days he’s lucky to put on socks, let alone shoes.

Now…on the flip side, I do realize that these things I’m envious about come at a high cost.  For example:

I understand that those hours on the couch are spent worrying about next steps and being frustrated at yet another failed job search or another rejection e-mail.  And that his “looming deadline” is the date unemployment insurance runs out.

I get that while there’s plenty of time at home each day, that doesn’t mean it gets to be used for “fun” stuff. And that just that there is time for exercise still doesn’t mean he magically has the desire to do it.

And I know that my husband would gladly swap his sweatshirt for a button-down if it meant being gainfully employed again.

I get it.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes still wish we could switch places…just for a little while. That’s why it’s called a “guilty” confession! 

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) November 4, 2009

It’s understandable that the first thing anyone would want to do when suddenly not required to show up at work is to stop setting an alarm and start sleeping in. Heck, isn’t that what we do most weekends?

And yet, there comes a time after that first week or so of adjustment to the “new normal” of career transition when you realize that your beloved spouse might be taking that newfound freedom to a new level. And seriously, if you find him one more time on the couch in his pajamas after not having gotten up until noon, with the TV playing old Star Trek episodes and chips scattered all over the couch, you’re going to have to kill someone.

 Am I speaking to anyone here?

Before you get blood all over a perfectly good carpet, I’d like to suggest having the first of what might be a handful of courageous conversations with your spouse about his career transition period, and how he might make it productive for himself—and you.

 Establishing a Temporary Routine

Talk about it.
While you really do need to be sensitive to your spouse’s feelings, that doesn’t mean you should bottle all your own. Ask to find a time to have a quiet, logical discussion about how it makes you feel to be working full time knowing your spouse’s day is being used less than productively. Also, ask him to remember that this schedule affects you, too. For instance, hearing the TV going late into the night may affect your sleep—and you still have to get up for work!

Suggest some compromises.
No one is saying your spouse can’t sleep in a little. But suggest a compromise that would work for both of you. Maybe he gets up shortly after you go to work, with the benefit of having freshly brewed coffee waiting for him. And rather than staying up late, perhaps you could suggest that there’s something in it for him if he comes to bed when you do. 

Offer ideas for using time in ways that benefit you both.
Since you’re working full time and your spouse is at home, ask (don’t command) if he can help out more with the household duties for now. Remind him that this is temporary, during this transition time, and that this would really help you out. Additionally, suggest ways he could use his time that would benefit him. Maybe there’s a project he’s always wanted time to finish or a subject he’s always been interested in researching. This would be a great time for him to use some time for that.

Together, come up with a schedule.
Having a daily routine has been proven to be psychologically beneficial. Work together to establish a schedule that benefits everyone in the household. It should include some time for job searching, some time for household duties and some time for pursuit of projects that inspire happiness. Here’s an example you could use as a start.  

Additional Resources: 

• “Figuring out the routine of unemployment,” Maynard Institute, June 16, 2009.
• Greg Welikson, “Unemployment & Psychological Health,” The Canned, July 28, 2009
• Darrel Giann, “Surviving Unemployment – Staying Positive Through Uncertain Times,” Buzzle.com, August 29, 2008