Tripping On The Ladder

By Diva Nikki
(c) December 16, 2009

As 21^st Century women, we’ve grown up being told we can do anything—and everything—we put our minds to.

We balance careers and families. We volunteer, cook gourmet meals and wear fabulous shoes while doing it. We can do it all. We’re superwomen.

AND we’re now supporting our households financially and emotionally while our spouses search for their next careers.

The first time my husband was unemployed was within the first year of our marriage. We were both working toward our MBA degrees full time while working full time, and I felt like I still had to prove I was a perfect wife.

When my husband lost his job, I tried to keep things going as “normal”—which meant that not only was I working and studying full time, I was also still doing all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, remembering of all family birthdays…you get the picture.

Eventually, I cracked. It was eating me up inside that I was doing ALL this work and my husband was home. All day. Watching curling during the Olympics and playing video games.

At first I wanted to blame him. “I shouldn’t have to ask him to help,” I thought. “He should just recognize what needs to be done and do it!”

Then I realized: The reason he wasn’t helping was because I’d never asked him. So I finally did.  I learned that there are ways to ask for help that are more effective than others.

Ask. Don’t tell. Don’t yell. Ask.
Truthfully, unless you ask, your spouse probably doesn’t even realize you need help. Yelling at him or telling him what to do are not effective. Be calm, be specific.

Specifically, ask for help.
Your spouse isn’t going to say, “Gee, honey – I’d LOVE to do a bunch more work I’ve never done before!” But loving spouses do get a feeling of purpose by helping those they love. You’re giving them an opportunity to do that. Plus, by taking some of the incidental sources of stress off your plate, you’ve got more capacity to provide emotional support for him.

Teach him what to do.
If you’re asking for help around the house with chores he’s never done before, your spouse may need a bit of instruction. Show him where supplies are, how to work appliances, etc.

Make things easy.
Gather cleaning supplies into one area.  Buy ready-made frozen meals or mixes. Separate your dirty laundry. Make detailed lists.

Adjust your expectations.
Your spouse is not you. Do not expect that things will be done exactly as you do them. Rather, appreciate that things get done. Even if towels are folded differently or you eat spaghetti for four days in a row, celebrate the fact that you have clean towels and a meal prepared for you when you get home.

Show sincere appreciation.
Your spouse is helping you out, during a time when he’s already feeling stressed. Let him know that you truly appreciate what he’s doing to help make your life easier.

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) December 9, 2009

In the long-running TV show, being a “Survivor” is the best thing that can happen. Competitors will go to great lengths and low depths to outwit and outlast. 

But in the workplace, being a survivor doesn’t come with near the glory…or the monetary prize.

In the midst of more corporate layoffs than most of us have seen in our lifetimes, there is rightly lots of news attention being paid to those forced into transition. But what about those of us who are still employed? The ones still left in the office, taking on piles more work, listening to crickets chirp in all the silent, empty cubicles around us?

Being a layoff survivor can come with lots of emotions and challenges:

• Sadness as you watch dear friends and long-time colleagues leaving.
• Anxiety as you wonder if you’ll be next.
• Stress as you figure out how you’ll now do the work of others on top of your own, because let’s face it: most companies don’t reduce work when they reduce staff.
• Guilt over your continued employment while other talented people are let go.
• Frustration over the seeming halt in your own career path while the whole company freezes hiring and salaries.

What can you do?
In the midst of all these emotions, it’s important to take the time to acknowledge your feelings and find ways to help cope with them.

 Express your feelings to your co-workers. Let them know you will miss them, and find ways to help with closure like goodbye lunches.

Offer to help them in their job search efforts.  Connect to them on LinkedIn, give helpful feedback on resumes or cover letters, and offer to give recommendations.

Talk to someone about your own stress. Many companies offer employee assistance programs for temporary counseling as a benefit. Take advantage of those services.

Do what you can to stay motivated…and healthy. In such a negative environment, this is hard. But find ways to keep yourself going. Set small goals, celebrate (in a subtle, sensitive way) your own achievements. And be sure to keep getting sleep, good food and exercise. In short, take good care of yourself mentally and physically.

Have a tactful, practical conversation with your boss about how to prioritize your work. As one of the few resources still available, you have value. Work together to create a plan for what’s most important and what you can realistically accomplish in a work week.

Focus on your career development. That seems almost impossible in a downsizing environment. But taking on new tasks also means gaining new expertise and skills. Use this time to learn and grow yourself. The economic downturn won’t last forever, and you could come out on the other side with many more tools to help on your journey up the ladder—or wherever you want to go from here.

Additional Resources:

• JoNel Aleccia, “Guilty and stressed, layoff survivors suffer, too,” MSNBC, December 15, 2008.
• Mary Zeiher, “Layoff Survivor Syndrome in the Workplace,” Associated Content, January 2, 2009.
• Susan M. Heathfield, “How to Cope When Co-Workers Lose Their Jobs,” About.com

Read these other recent Desperate Workingwife columns:

• “Desperate Workingwife: Turkey and Shopping and Christmas Trees, Oh My! Surviving the Holiday Jungle in Your Less-Than-Fully-Employed Household”
• “Desperate Workingwife: Give Me a Massage or Die! How to Relieve Your Own Stress While Living with Your Unemployed Spouse”
• “Desperate Workingwife: It Ain’t the Opera but I’m Wearing My Best Dress Anyway. Ways to Stay Romantic Without Spending the Fortune Your Unemployed Spouse Isn’t Earning Right Now”

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) December 2, 2009

Let’s face it—living with an unemployed spouse is darn stressful. You spend a lot of time focusing on him: listening to his job search struggles, finding ways to keep his spirits up, discussing budget issues, being understanding about his emotional ups and downs…

And it’s not like your own life or career is without stress either. It’s possible things at your own company might be less than secure. You still have your own job duties and career development to think about, volunteer meetings to attend…and it’s even conceivable that having your spouse without a job right now might cause you some additional stress.

 Unless you’re a superhero or a saint, it’s time you think about relieving some of that stress. If you don’t, it’s eventually going to explode—all over your household. And that, my friend, will do no one any good.

 Find a venting partner.  
Spend time with a friend you can trust and who will listen to your feelings and struggles. Your spouse already has enough struggles of his or her own to deal with and probably doesn’t need yours. But you do need a safe place to let your hair down and get it all out.

Look for other support.
Investigate your local workforce development board to see if there’s a support group for unemployed spouses. If not, offer to help start one. Meeting with others in your same situation could give you great ideas and encouragement.

Finish a project.
Get out that craft or hobby project that’s been sitting unfinished in a closet or garage for a year and finish it. You’ll do something you love and have the satisfaction of being productive. It’s something you can do during a time when you feel like there’s a lot you can’t do.

Stay healthy.
You’re not going to be able to be supportive for your spouse if you’re feeling like crud. Maintain your exercise routine, try to eat healthy foods and get as much sleep as you can. Your health is very important right now.

Sing or laugh loudly.
Put your favorite CD in the car and belt away. Watch your favorite funny DVD. In general, find things that make you happy and offer a positive release of energy. If you and your spouse can do this together, even better!

Make your own spa night.
Take a bubble bath, give yourself a manicure or facial. Talk your loving spouse into giving you a massage with candles—a bottle of massage lotion is much cheaper than an hour at the spa. Plus, once he’s got you relaxed and feeling loved, you never know what might be in it for him.

Focus on your own personal and professional development.
Be sure you keep up with your own career, even though your spouse is in transition. Read a business book, attend a seminar or network with people you think can help you grow.

 In general, be sure your own stress is dealt with so you can help your spouse deal with his.

 By Dan d’Man
 (c) November 6, 2009
 

You’ve lost your job and you feel:

A)    Angry
B)     Depressed
C)    Stressed
D)    All of the above (and more)

 If you’re unfortunate enough to be counted among the millions of recently unemployed Americans, no one would blame you for answering D. After all, it’s only natural to have such feelings, right?

“In a more healthy economy, people generally deal with a job loss pretty well because they feel there are other opportunities out there,” said Charlie Cummins, MS, LPC, and President of Roswell, Georgia-based Life Transitions Consulting. “But right now, with so much economic turmoil, there’s a fear that those opportunities don’t exist. And it’s creating a lot of anxiety.”

Charlie Cummins, MS, LPC

 But when are those normal feelings of stress and anxiety a sign of more serious issues and a cause for concern? 

Cummins, who has more than 20 years of experience as a counselor and life- and performance-coach, says the answer lies in our surroundings.

“All illness feeds on and moves us toward isolation. Unfortunately, when people lose their job it often isolates them. It’s when people don’t take steps to overcome it that should be of concern. It’s a sign that the bottom is beginning to fall out.”

Not answering or responding to phone calls, e-mails and other correspondence are potential warning signs of clinical depression.

Anger (often directed at those closest to us), addiction, lethargy and decreased interest in previously very important activities or spiritual outlets can also be potentially ominous signs.

For people who may have lost their health benefits or at least face higher deductibles, the symptoms, even when identified, often go untreated.

Fortunately, the most effective remedy for symptoms of depression is also a valuable strategy for securing a new job.

“Movement toward other people and the activities associated with a job search are really the best medicine — personally and professionally,” Cummins said, noting electronic resources like LinkedIn and Facebook can’t replace personal connections.

“The people I know who’ve had the best success in finding a new job are the ones who’ve made the most of existing relationships and fostered new ones by reconnecting with professional or industry organizations.”

Another potential constructive activity — one that can also generate healthy personal and professional movement — is looking for new opportunities for growth.

“A positive consequence of the economic turmoil is we’re seeing a lot of innovation,” Cummins added. “Not just industries but also individuals are reinventing themselves by exploring new career paths, skills and interests. It can be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to assess your values and what’s important to you, which is always a healthy exercise.”

 By Sharon Korbeck Verbeten
 (c) October 20, 2009

 
Quick—let’s play word association. What comes to mind when I say the word “unplugged?”

Depending on your age and status in life, it could conjure up images of [insert your favorite 1980s band name here] playing one of their head-banging hits acoustically on MTV. That’s likely when the term “unplugged” really entered our collective vernacular.

And while unplugging the electric guitar (or Guitar Hero, as it were) may bring down the adrenaline level a bit, these days, the verb has a new meaning, somewhere along the lines of “Step away from the BlackBerry…and no one will get hurt!”

Whether working mom (can I see a show of cell-phone free hands, please?) or corporate executive, no one is immune to the BlackBerry—its lure is as indelible as the stains caused by the fruit it’s named after. 

An article appearing this summer in The Washington Post online urged corporate leaders to “unplug” themselves to set an example for their employees. The author, a corporate CEO, noted that in times of economic recession, it can be even more challenging to “disconnect” from our work—when every deal, every moment, every interaction matters even more.

 But achieving that weekend balance between staying on top of work (being responsible) and losing oneself in nirvana (being human) is like riding a seesaw as an adult—not especially comfortable or fun (plus those inevitable blasted splinters). 

 Here’s a glimpse of how some working women—from librarians to corporate VPs—unplug from their busy work weeks.

Do what you love.
Terri Abblett, a business analyst with Freddie Mac in Washington, D.C. spends her days surrounded by heavy information. So to de-stress, she spends her weekends surrounded by heavy cream. “I’m trying to get my personal chef business up and running, so a few weekends a month, I cook for people, which actually is a de-stressor for me. If I’m not cooking for them, I like to cook for myself and eat the results!”

Regress to De-stress.
You might think that Wisconsin librarian Kristen Anderson would pick up a good book to unplug. But for her, nothing is better than spending time with her two young nephews. “I’ve always found that they help me slow down and look around more than I normally would.”

Bring on the bubbly.
For some, that means champagne, for others, the calming zen of a whirlpool tub. “For me, it’s a whirlpool bath, with the lights down and a girly cocktail, like a mudslide (but the easy kind that come in a bottle that you just pour over chipped ice!), said Lou Ann Nettekoven, an advertising/communications manager in Green Bay, Wis.

Get back to nature.
If all else fails, lock the PDA in a drawer and get outside, no matter the season, no matter the reason. “I have a standing date with my husband to walk to the local coffee shop. Sometimes we extend the walk into the nearby woods to bird watch or visit the local farmers’ market,” said Laura Schulte-Cooper, a library association program officer from Chicago. And Kristin Van Drisse doesn’t have to go far—the De Pere, Wis., banking VP simply heads to her backyard pond—complete with illuminated steps and koi fish—to listen to the calming waterfall.

 By Jenaissance
 (c) October 12, 2009

A number of years ago, back when corporate culture skewed more on the side of “button-down conservative,” a friend of mine got into a tangle with a boss who was difficult and unpredictable, at best. My friend, the underling, had little recourse, so she did what any young, entry-level professional with no authority could do: She waged her own private little battle against the boss.

Despite the company’s strict dress policy mandating closed-toe shoes, each morning she would strap on a pair of stiletto-heeled, peep-toe pumps (sometimes in lace, sometimes in leopard print, always over-the-top). Each tug of the straps was, in her mind, an “F You” to the horrible boss. She made sure to wear these shoes everywhere at the office—except, of course, in meetings with the boss herself.

I call it the “Battle of Old Peeptoe”—and there are many of these private battles against unreasonable and unlikable bosses being waged all across the country as we speak. (And probably even more so now that the down economy is requiring workers to put up with even more junk for less reward.)

While we at Tripping on the Ladder don’t endorse or encourage any of these strategies, we do find them entertaining, and we think you will, too. (more…)