Tripping On The Ladder

 By Linda Lande
 (c) January 7, 2010

I’ll never forget my first parent/teacher conference—as a parent.

My only children, twin daughters, were in kindergarten. I walked into the classroom expecting a friendly chat about my daughters. Instead, I left feeling disarmed and somewhat disemboweled. They couldn’t tie their shoes, they weren’t great with scissors, and…and…and the list went on. I got in my car and cried all the way home.

And then I got angry. I was supposed to have attended a conference, not a Letterman’s “Top 10 Things Wrong With Your Kids” session. Later that night, I wrote a letter to their teacher saying that they and I certainly would work to improve their skills, but that in the next parent/teacher conference I expected (yes, “expected”), along with the list of criticisms, to also hear some compliments—even if they were as simple as “my daughters have nice smiles and they always come to school with clean socks.”

Compliments are effective, useful tools. Years ago, a few months into my first “real” communications job with a large insurance corporation, an important-looking man in a business suit came striding into our area, stopped in the director’s office and asked where I was.

Holy cats! Me? I didn’t even know this man—and he was asking for me by name! Just as I was about to dive under my desk, I heard him tell the director that the article I had written was one of the best he’d ever read about a particular program—and he was delighted with my work and wanted to meet me! Wow!

Mark Twain once said, “I can live two months on a good compliment.” Believe me, I lived a lot longer on that one! And it taught me the value of “constructive compliments.” If we’re to expect and gracefully receive “constructive criticism,” shouldn’t we also expect and gracefully receive “constructive compliments”?

I was talking with one of my daughters on the phone recently. (They’re both college graduates now—tying their shoes and making their way in the world.) She’s considering confronting her boss concerning a few work issues—issues with her boss’s management style. I smiled to myself as my mind’s eye pictured my daughters’ kindergarten teacher.

“Remember,” I said to her, “to also be sure to include a few compliments for your boss. Let her also know what she’s doing right.”

We both laughed a little, remembering kindergarten and the lessons learned: that compliments and Velcro shoes are worth their weight in gold!

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) January 6, 2010

Guilty pleasure admission: I’m a “Gleek.”  Since the very pilot episode of the TV show Glee, I’ve been hooked. 

There’s something about the absolutely over-the-top portrayal of a group of high school misfits, their weekly slushie face-dousing trials…and the way they continually fight through the negativity and adversity to do what they love…that endears this show to me.

Their wildly successful pilot episode featured the small group of initial Glee kids doing an amazing version of the Journey tune “Don’t Stop Believin’.” I will admit – I went out to You Tube and watched it several times.

There’s something about that song – and the show – that resonates with my life right now.  As the wife of a husband in career transition, I feel like negativity exists every day in our household.  While I’m quite happy (as is my unstained wardrobe) that I don’t literally have a grape slushie thrown in my face each day, there are certainly days where it’s hit me or my husband in a proverbial sense. 

Like every time he applies for a job and gets the lovely standard form rejection letter (sometimes within a day, which really hits you).  Or each time he tries to sell a great new idea for a startup business to a new client and never hears back from them.  When we count the days until unemployment insurance runs out.  As I’m in a store and don’t get to purchase something I want because we’re on a budget. And when we have to endure well-meaning people who say really trite, insensitive things about my husband’s current employment situation, essentially saying, “You’ll never be able to pull this off.”

Every day we live through the adversity, I feel just like one of those poor high school kids, getting up every morning and just knowing the cold, icky (though maybe not bright purple) reality that’s going to be sloshed in my face.

The lesson for me here really is:  “Don’t Stop Believin’.”

Don’t stop believin’ in my husband’s brilliance and abilities. 

Don’t stop believin’ that everything will be ok. 

Don’t stop believin’ that there really is a greater Plan unfolding.

Don’t stop believin’ that the economy will improve and more jobs will become available.

Don’t stop believin’ my husband is doing everything he can to find a new career.

Don’t stop believin’ in my own ability to keep supporting my husband emotionally…and our household financially.

I think I need to go work on my jazz hands…

 Guest Column by Rebecca Love Williams
 (c) January 1, 2010

I hope that you all had a very happy holiday filled with peace, love and joy. Now that the new year is upon us, it is time to really think about the New Year that is approaching us.

Have you started writing your Life Plan for 2010 to allow you to get a “fresh start”?

A Life Plan is a written plan of your goals and objectives in your life. It is like a map or guide to help you achieve your inner desires. Your plan can be divided into eight areas:

• Career
• Environment
• Family and friends
• Health
• Leisure
• Love and relationships
• Money and finance
• Personal development or personal growth

Each of these areas affects your life and the importance of each one will vary depending on your internal values and situation.

Here are a few questions you might want to ask yourself while writing your plan:

• What’s most important to you, your core values?
• What do you dream about?
• Where on your career path do you desire to be?
• Is your employer helping you accomplish your personal career goals?
• Are you still having fun at work?
• Will it allow you to spend more time with your family?
• Are you spending enough time with people who are important to you?
• How can you maintain your health?
• Do you have the time and the resources to entertain and travel?
• What places do you want to visit in the next two to three years?
• How much money do you want to make?
• Does your current employment support your income goals?
• How much do you need to save for your later years?
• Are you giving back to your community?
• Where do you want to live?
• Are you continually developing and improving your relationship?

These questions will give you some starting points to think about as you begin developing your plan for 2010. Of course, Life Plans can be more complex, and if you would like to develop a more intense life plan, you might need to seek out a Professional Coach.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Guest columnist Rebecca Love Williams, principal of Williams Business Solutions, is an experienced professional coach and human resources  consultant. She regularly coaches her clients through a process to help them achieve their life and professional goals, including an emphasis on life planning strategies. Williams is based in Evanston, Ill., and serves individuals and businesses nationwide.

By Diva Nikki
(c) December 16, 2009

As 21^st Century women, we’ve grown up being told we can do anything—and everything—we put our minds to.

We balance careers and families. We volunteer, cook gourmet meals and wear fabulous shoes while doing it. We can do it all. We’re superwomen.

AND we’re now supporting our households financially and emotionally while our spouses search for their next careers.

The first time my husband was unemployed was within the first year of our marriage. We were both working toward our MBA degrees full time while working full time, and I felt like I still had to prove I was a perfect wife.

When my husband lost his job, I tried to keep things going as “normal”—which meant that not only was I working and studying full time, I was also still doing all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, remembering of all family birthdays…you get the picture.

Eventually, I cracked. It was eating me up inside that I was doing ALL this work and my husband was home. All day. Watching curling during the Olympics and playing video games.

At first I wanted to blame him. “I shouldn’t have to ask him to help,” I thought. “He should just recognize what needs to be done and do it!”

Then I realized: The reason he wasn’t helping was because I’d never asked him. So I finally did.  I learned that there are ways to ask for help that are more effective than others.

Ask. Don’t tell. Don’t yell. Ask.
Truthfully, unless you ask, your spouse probably doesn’t even realize you need help. Yelling at him or telling him what to do are not effective. Be calm, be specific.

Specifically, ask for help.
Your spouse isn’t going to say, “Gee, honey – I’d LOVE to do a bunch more work I’ve never done before!” But loving spouses do get a feeling of purpose by helping those they love. You’re giving them an opportunity to do that. Plus, by taking some of the incidental sources of stress off your plate, you’ve got more capacity to provide emotional support for him.

Teach him what to do.
If you’re asking for help around the house with chores he’s never done before, your spouse may need a bit of instruction. Show him where supplies are, how to work appliances, etc.

Make things easy.
Gather cleaning supplies into one area.  Buy ready-made frozen meals or mixes. Separate your dirty laundry. Make detailed lists.

Adjust your expectations.
Your spouse is not you. Do not expect that things will be done exactly as you do them. Rather, appreciate that things get done. Even if towels are folded differently or you eat spaghetti for four days in a row, celebrate the fact that you have clean towels and a meal prepared for you when you get home.

Show sincere appreciation.
Your spouse is helping you out, during a time when he’s already feeling stressed. Let him know that you truly appreciate what he’s doing to help make your life easier.

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) December 2, 2009

Let’s face it—living with an unemployed spouse is darn stressful. You spend a lot of time focusing on him: listening to his job search struggles, finding ways to keep his spirits up, discussing budget issues, being understanding about his emotional ups and downs…

And it’s not like your own life or career is without stress either. It’s possible things at your own company might be less than secure. You still have your own job duties and career development to think about, volunteer meetings to attend…and it’s even conceivable that having your spouse without a job right now might cause you some additional stress.

 Unless you’re a superhero or a saint, it’s time you think about relieving some of that stress. If you don’t, it’s eventually going to explode—all over your household. And that, my friend, will do no one any good.

 Find a venting partner.  
Spend time with a friend you can trust and who will listen to your feelings and struggles. Your spouse already has enough struggles of his or her own to deal with and probably doesn’t need yours. But you do need a safe place to let your hair down and get it all out.

Look for other support.
Investigate your local workforce development board to see if there’s a support group for unemployed spouses. If not, offer to help start one. Meeting with others in your same situation could give you great ideas and encouragement.

Finish a project.
Get out that craft or hobby project that’s been sitting unfinished in a closet or garage for a year and finish it. You’ll do something you love and have the satisfaction of being productive. It’s something you can do during a time when you feel like there’s a lot you can’t do.

Stay healthy.
You’re not going to be able to be supportive for your spouse if you’re feeling like crud. Maintain your exercise routine, try to eat healthy foods and get as much sleep as you can. Your health is very important right now.

Sing or laugh loudly.
Put your favorite CD in the car and belt away. Watch your favorite funny DVD. In general, find things that make you happy and offer a positive release of energy. If you and your spouse can do this together, even better!

Make your own spa night.
Take a bubble bath, give yourself a manicure or facial. Talk your loving spouse into giving you a massage with candles—a bottle of massage lotion is much cheaper than an hour at the spa. Plus, once he’s got you relaxed and feeling loved, you never know what might be in it for him.

Focus on your own personal and professional development.
Be sure you keep up with your own career, even though your spouse is in transition. Read a business book, attend a seminar or network with people you think can help you grow.

 In general, be sure your own stress is dealt with so you can help your spouse deal with his.

By Sharon Korbeck Verbeten
(c) November 24, 2009

Yule know there’s a different feel to Christmas this year—the recession-tinged feeling is already in the air and in the store aisles.

While halls and malls are still decked out for the holiday season, the joy of shopping has been overshadowed—for many—by decreased wages, lost jobs or the threat of lessened job security.

Black Friday, indeed. These days that term might refer to the dread some feel about getting a pink slip on the last day of the work week. Still, there are those looking forward to the traditional “Black Friday,” when shoppers, like myself (I’m fueled by seasonal spirit, pumpkin muffins and Mountain Dew!) spring from our beds at 4 a.m. or earlier, eager to get the best deals.

According to the finding of one national survey, retailers are about to embark on the season of the serious bargain hunter. A survey by the National Retail Federation (NRF) found that U.S. consumers plan to spend an average of $682.74 on holiday-related shopping, a 3.2% drop from last year’s $705.01. And two-thirds of Americans indicated the economy will affect their holiday shopping plans this year.

So, what’s a savvy shopper to do? Here are a few well-considered tips.

Stacy Schuster, a sales associate with the GAP stores in Milwaukee, offered her best tip, based on personal experience. “Get a part-time job in retail at a store where you would normally shop,” she said. As an employee, the mother of two saves 50% on all her purchases—great for both personal and gift purchases.

Also a seasoned eBay shopper, Schuster recommends scouring the online auction site for items on wish lists. Bidding competitively—and early—can save a lot off retail prices.

Jennifer Hogeland, a mother of two from De Pere, Wis., also has turned to online shopping this year for most of her purchases, mainly because so many sites are offering free shipping. Shopping online also has a residual benefit, she said. “It avoids the whimsical and unnecessary purchases I’m sure to make if I’m in the store.”

The NRF survey also found that one in 10 holiday shoppers plan to shop thrift or retail shops for gifts this year. That may not only be smart and pocket savvy, but “green” as well.

“Why not recycle and repurpose items you don’t want?” said Pat DuChene, a single mother from Wisconsin. “Our family is doing a grab bag with a ‘trash into treasure’ theme.” Who knew re-gifting—once so uncouth—would now be considered so in vogue?

Now, where did I put that silly—I mean stylish—scarf I got last year…?

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) November 4, 2009

It’s understandable that the first thing anyone would want to do when suddenly not required to show up at work is to stop setting an alarm and start sleeping in. Heck, isn’t that what we do most weekends?

And yet, there comes a time after that first week or so of adjustment to the “new normal” of career transition when you realize that your beloved spouse might be taking that newfound freedom to a new level. And seriously, if you find him one more time on the couch in his pajamas after not having gotten up until noon, with the TV playing old Star Trek episodes and chips scattered all over the couch, you’re going to have to kill someone.

 Am I speaking to anyone here?

Before you get blood all over a perfectly good carpet, I’d like to suggest having the first of what might be a handful of courageous conversations with your spouse about his career transition period, and how he might make it productive for himself—and you.

 Establishing a Temporary Routine

Talk about it.
While you really do need to be sensitive to your spouse’s feelings, that doesn’t mean you should bottle all your own. Ask to find a time to have a quiet, logical discussion about how it makes you feel to be working full time knowing your spouse’s day is being used less than productively. Also, ask him to remember that this schedule affects you, too. For instance, hearing the TV going late into the night may affect your sleep—and you still have to get up for work!

Suggest some compromises.
No one is saying your spouse can’t sleep in a little. But suggest a compromise that would work for both of you. Maybe he gets up shortly after you go to work, with the benefit of having freshly brewed coffee waiting for him. And rather than staying up late, perhaps you could suggest that there’s something in it for him if he comes to bed when you do. 

Offer ideas for using time in ways that benefit you both.
Since you’re working full time and your spouse is at home, ask (don’t command) if he can help out more with the household duties for now. Remind him that this is temporary, during this transition time, and that this would really help you out. Additionally, suggest ways he could use his time that would benefit him. Maybe there’s a project he’s always wanted time to finish or a subject he’s always been interested in researching. This would be a great time for him to use some time for that.

Together, come up with a schedule.
Having a daily routine has been proven to be psychologically beneficial. Work together to establish a schedule that benefits everyone in the household. It should include some time for job searching, some time for household duties and some time for pursuit of projects that inspire happiness. Here’s an example you could use as a start.  

Additional Resources: 

• “Figuring out the routine of unemployment,” Maynard Institute, June 16, 2009.
• Greg Welikson, “Unemployment & Psychological Health,” The Canned, July 28, 2009
• Darrel Giann, “Surviving Unemployment – Staying Positive Through Uncertain Times,” Buzzle.com, August 29, 2008

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) October 28, 2009

We’ve already talked about What NOT to Say. But what conversations should you have with an unemployed spouse? And how and when do you have those conversations?

What to say in the first 24-48 hours

“I’m so sorry, honey.”
At this point, acknowledge the loss your spouse is feeling. Think of it almost as if you were greeting family members at a funeral service.

“I know this is not your fault.”
Let your spouse know—directly—that you know he isn’t to blame for what happened.

“We’ll get through this together.”
Encourage solidarity. Let your spouse know he or she is not alone—you are partners.

What to say in the first two weeks

“How can I help?”
In the first two weeks, your spouse will be scrambling to get a resume updated, find job search Web sites, register for unemployment insurance and begin networking.  There may actually be ways to help, like proofreading cover letters or sharing job resources you’ve heard about (like this Web site). But be careful to offer and not be pushy. Only help where you’re asked to help. (more…)

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) October 21, 2009

You’ve had The Dreaded Phone Call. You’ve recovered enough to get yourself into the car and drive home—where your spouse is waiting for you with his box full of framed photos and miscellaneous office junk he’s cleared off his desk.

What you want to do is scream. What you want to say is: “How could you do this to me?”

Please do yourself and your spouse a favor: Don’t.

Having been through this scenario three times in my marriage, I feel I have at least a certain amount of expertise in this area. Believe me—it’s not an area I’d choose to have expertise in. But life deals us what life deals us and I’ve learned to deal with this unexpected change in a way that’s kept my marriage solid.

Things you want to say to your unemployed spouse but you really, really shouldn’t:

“What did you do to make them fire you?”
This statement puts blame on your spouse—for something very likely not his or her fault.  In these economic times, even the most talented, faithful employees are finding themselves “right-sized” right out of their jobs.

“How could you do this to me?”
While you’re understandably worried about how this change will affect you, right now this isn’t about you. Your spouse (unless he’s a truly sadistic person, in which case you might want to be reading some other blogs right now) did not do this to you. He didn’t purposely decide to become unemployed to harm you. In truth, he’s probably feeling right now like the company did this to him. (more…)

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) October 14, 2009

You’re finishing up your workday, answering a few more e-mails and tidying up some papers on your desk.  The phone rings and you see on the caller ID that it’s your husband. 

Not uncommon – there are often calls like this at the end of the day to discuss what to pick up for dinner. So you answer, phone crooked between your ear and shoulder so you can multi-task while talking.  And then you hear the words…

“Honey…I’m so sorry to tell you this. But I just lost my job.”

The typing stops. Your hand comes up to hold onto the receiver because you need to hold onto something right now.  You no longer even see the papers on your desk because you’ve developed a sort of tunnel vision. And it feels like your heart just landed in the pit of your stomach.

How do I know?  Because I’ve been there.  Three times in six years of marriage, I’ve been there and gotten that phone call.  My name is Diva Nikki, and I’m a Desperate Workingwife.

Things you need to hear: Don’t panic, and you’re not alone.

Despite your initial instincts, should you be in the midst of one of these phone calls right now, remember the reason that the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy was so popular was because it had the words “Don’t Panic” in large, friendly letters on the cover. (more…)