Tripping On The Ladder

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) April 28, 2010

Some of you may have wondered how I came by my moniker “Diva Nikki.” 

It’s actually not that I’m a diva in personality. I’m not a snob. I’m not a fashionista with 100 pairs of shoes. (Sadly, I tend to wear the same comfortable pair all the time.) And I’m certainly not someone who expects others to cater to my every whim.

The name is actually a nickname I was given by friends years ago because of what I do, not because of who I am.  You see, I’m a singer. I’ve been singing since I was about 3 years old…had my first solo at 5. It’s something I’ve always done, and done well. Though I chose not to make it my college major or my profession (a choice, by the way, I still look back at and wonder about), I’ve found plenty of ways to feed my passion for music. That includes a six-year stint as a chorus member in a local opera company, among other things. Being an opera singer doesn’t seem to be all that common among those in the average working world – thus, the nickname.

Unfortunately, there have been periods of my life where I’ve let that passion for music fall to the wayside. For instance, when my husband and I were full-time employees and full time MBA students, I had to let music go for a little while. And more recently, while my husband was in career transition I tried to focus more energy on keeping our household prospering than I did on my own interests.  

I think as women we have a tendency to put the needs of others before our own needs. We give so freely that sometimes we forget to take back a little bit of energy for ourselves.

As working women, too, it’s so easy to get caught up in being the “corporate” versions of ourselves that we forget the “real” versions.

And then, sometimes the right people and opportunities come along at the right time to remind you that YOU matter. Several months ago, I was invited to join the local symphony chorus. (Essentially, whenever the symphony wants to do works that include singing, they call us.) It had been a little while since I’d had the opportunity to do some real classical music. Handel, Vivaldi…  Quite frankly – I had forgotten that this is something I’m designed and trained to do.

As I started going to rehearsals, seeing old friends from my opera days, singing music from composers I love…my soul just opened up. As I would open my mouth to sing, it was like opening myself up to a pure joy I hadn’t felt in a long time. This was something just for me. Not something I should do. Not something I had to do. Not something that would help someone else. All mine.

This past weekend, I was honored to have the opportunity to appear as a soloist in our latest concert with the local symphony. I spent a good hour or so before the concert getting “diva’d” up. The hair, the dress, the makeup, even the jewelry. It was like putting on a persona. With each element, my inner Diva started coming back out. I remembered who I was. I felt confident, radiant, happy.  And as I walked out to the front of the stage during the concert, feeling the lights on me, the music swelling behind me, the anticipation of the audience…I knew I was right where I needed to be. My soul was at home.

What does this have to do with having a spouse in career transition, you might ask? 

Just this: Unleash your own inner Diva every once in awhile, whatever that means for you. Where does your soul feel most at home? Where do you feel like you’re doing exactly what you’re designed to do? Whether it’s on stage, behind a keyboard, in a pair of running shoes or in your kitchen – do it. Feed your own soul. By feeding your own passions and reminding yourself that you’re a unique, powerful talented person you’ll be better prepared to support others.

 My hair may be less curly today, my dress put away…but the Diva in me is still smiling. I hope yours will, too.

 By Jenaissance
 (c) March 23, 2010

When our nation’s forefathers boldly assured future generations “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” they had a very big vision indeed.

Unfortunately, the Declaration of Independence didn’t come with an annotated bibliography for how to go about pursuing that happiness. And, when left to our own devices, experts say we tend to go about it all wrong.

Here’s a personal example.

At various points in my life, I thought I would be happier if I had a different job. Lived in Washington, D.C. Lived anywhere else but Washington, D.C. Made more money. Made less money but had more time. Took more vacations. Had a BlackBerry. Didn’t have a BlackBerry. Lived in a different house. Had more closet space.  Had a car with a sunroof.

Many of you likely have had feelings similar to mine, preoccupied with striving for personal and professional contentment.

It’s such a rite of passage in our culture that it seems like this is just the way we’re supposed to find our bliss, with the hope that one day, we’ll finally crack the code and it will all fall into perfect place and we will be satisifed.

But you know what? We’ve got it all wrong.

In her book The How of Happiness, research psychologist Sonya Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., says years of documented research and studies point to a very startling fact: Only 10% of a person’s happiness is impacted by situational factors. In other words, your job—or your home, the city in which you live, the car you drive, the spouse you chose—only accounts for a tiny fraction of your overall perceived well-being.

In fact, she says, studies show that 50% of our happiness level is credited to our DNA (our “set point” that determines how we’re hardwired, how resilient we are likely to be), 10 % is due to life’s circumstances and a whopping 40% of our happiness quotient is actually attributed to what she calls our “intentional activity” or the actions we deliberately bring to every situation—our attitude, our thoughts, our daily practices and rituals.

So, to put it plainly, we’ve been grabbing at all the wrong straws. (And if anything, the current state of the economy should be illustrating for us just how true this is. Countless folks who have bravely faced job losses and financial difficulties these past couple years—and even those who are employed but intentionally “tightening their belts”—are often among the first to express that downsizing and simplifying has come with its own surprising sets of joys.)

While it’s nice to have a fulfilling occupation, a house that feels like home, and a spouse who sees our best selves even when we don’t, a statistically surer road to happiness can be found not by searching outward for it but by simply deciding to create and cultivate it for ourselves.

Lyobomirsky says that it’s important to think about happiness as a continuum, sort of like your temperature. There are days when you may be happier and days when you will be a little less happy. But, on the balance, the happiest people share some of the same characteristics, including:

• Devoting time to family and friends and nurturing these relationships.
• Feeling comfortable expressing gratitude for what they have.
• Being willing to help others.
• Practicing optimism when considering the future.
• “Living in the moment.”
• Taking time for regular exercise.
• Committing to lifelong goals and ambitions.
• Possessing strength and poise in the face of crisis or stress.

The best news of all? All of these characteristics of happy people are within our reach–and can be learned!

To find out how, check out The How of Happiness, which includes several customized tools to help you evaluate your current ”set point” and to identify an action plan with 12 strategies that will help you focus your efforts on the 40% of your actions that will make the most difference in your pursuit of happiness.

 By Jenaissance
 (c) March 2, 2010

Each Christmas, I ask for the Life’s Little Instructions desk calendar for the coming year.

I love all the nuggets of wisdom it offers and I keep it on the counter in the kitchen “staging area” (the place where the mail and bills stack up and the cell phone charges) so I can glance at it often as I am going about my day.

Today’s “little instructions” calendar page really struck a chord with me—and I think it will with you, too. It says, simply:

“Treasure time. No amount of money can retrieve a single second.”

Wow. This one really hit me.

A year and a half ago, I went on a family “girls weekend” to Chicago to celebrate my aunt’s birthday, and I ended up missing some of the fun because I was stuck dealing with a work crisis for half of the weekend. There is nothing like stuffing yourself into a corner of the cosmetics section at Macy’s on Michigan Avenue on a crowded Saturday afternoon and frantically typing missives on your BlackBerry to folks back at the office to make you aware that your work and life are completely out of whack.

No amount of money can retrieve a single second.

A year ago, I went on vacation with some friends to Las Vegas. My friend had specifically asked me if I could leave my BlackBerry at home this time. I said I would do my best, but I still found myself sneaking into the women’s locker room at the spa in my robe, in between the hot stone massage and the pedicure, to quickly address a problem back at the office.  At the spa, for pete’s sake!

No amount of money can retrieve a single second.

Six months ago, I asked my husband what we should do for vacation. “I thought you didn’t take vacations anymore,” he said to me.

No amount of money can retrieve a single second.

Over the summer, a close family friend died unexpectedly. Several months later, in the middle of the night, my parents called with the news that my uncle had been killed in an accident—on a highway he traveled daily for a decade. We miss them so much. We were blessed to have spent many wonderful moments with them…but what if we hadn’t made the time?

No amount of money can retrieve a single second.

The fact of the matter is that (1) Life deals us what life deals us, and (2) We are the only ones who have the ultimate authority to be the stewards of our time, in a way that aligns with our values.

One of the reasons I left my job and started my own business is because I reached a point where enough was enough. I wanted to be the captain of my own destiny, and that included having the final say on where and how I spend my time.  Obviously it’s not all “fun and games” all the time – There are still responsibilities and deadlines and clients who need attention. But I didn’t want to miss out on another thing I value, personally or professionally.  

Individuals in job transition—whether looking for that next job opportunity or starting a new business venture—may not have the benefit of a regular, robust paycheck, but we do have an even more important gift on our hands in the interim: the gift of time.  

Take full advantage of this gift. How will you spend it? Here are a few ideas:

Make things right with the people who’ve been craving your time and attention. Maybe, like me, you were working in a pressure cooker, glued to your BlackBerry and dealing with one crisis or issue after another in a high-stress work environment. Or, alternatively, perhaps you were so burned out that you were too tired to participate in activities with your family or friends, even when you were available. If you blew off someone important to you, even if they understand that you were in survival mode at the time, you owe them an apology. Do it today.  Make things right again.

Create a time “hierarchy” list  in which you assign all key areas of your life a priority. If spending time with your kids is your top priority, rank that “No. 1.” Maybe volunteering at your church or synagogue is your “No. 2” priority. Ranking these key areas of your life will help you make better decisions about where your time goes.

Set aside a few minutes each week to call or e-mail a friend, loved one or colleague. Let them know what they mean to you. Even if you can’t be with them frequently, let them know they are important to you—in your own words.

Identify two or three drains on your time and take steps to remove them.
Perhaps you were cornered into volunteering for a project that doesn’t rank high on your priority list. Or, maybe you find yourself continuing certain habits that no longer fit your current lifestyle.

Write down a “mission statement” for how you will better maintain boundaries to manage your work/life flow.
For example, will you promise to only check your BlackBerry once a day while you’re on vacation? Or, better yet, will you arrange for a trusted friend or colleague to be a first point of contact for your business dealings while you are away? If you are invited to two events at the same time, will you always give priority to the family activity or the activity involving your closest friends?

Identify areas of your life where you are suffering from “diminishing returns.”
I know some people who will drive 30 miles to save $1.00 at a grocery store. And while it’s certainly true that many of us are being more fiscally careful during this down economy, are you wasting your time for such a small return? There are likely several areas of your life where you are saving money but wasting an awful lot of time. See if you can’t bring these a little closer into alignment.

Do the thing you’ve always been wanting to do but never had the time.
Maybe it’s taking a class at the gym that was always out of reach because it’s in the middle of the work day. Perhaps it’s working from a funky little coffee shop, which your old boss never would’ve given you permission to do. Or, maybe you simply relish the ability to take a book and sit in the park for a few minutes each afternoon.

We are blessed with the gift of time. And, at the end of our lives, that’s what we will remember and treasure most of all. Why not use this time of transition to really focus on what matters most?

 By Jenaissance
 (c) February 9, 2010

Here in the nation’s capital, we have been buried under piles of snow since last Friday afternoon, with another foot or more expected to fall tonight and tomorrow.

While it’s fun to be essentially marooned in the house (thankfully, we have power but thousands of others are not so lucky), even the dog is getting a little sick of staring at the same four walls for days on end. We haven’t figured out how to break it to him that the cabin fever is likely to persist for several more days.

These “snow days” got me thinking about how routines—or lack thereof—can both foster and impede progress. A snow day is a transition in miniature, and there are some lessons that can be applied to transitions of any kind.

1. Break up the routine.
   I wish I had a dollar for all the Facebook postings by friends gleefully exclaiming that work had been shut down on Monday (and then again on Tuesday) due to the snow. There’s a little kid inside all of us who is gleeful anytime the routine gets broken. A free day! No suit and tie! No demands! No obligations! An excuse to park the BlackBerry in the drawer!

   When you’re in career transition, your normal routine is probably different now than it once was, but it’s still easy to get stuck in a rut (even if it’s a rut of “waiting” or of doing “nothing”). Don’t wait for the snow to give you an excuse to break up your routine – Do one thing different today to keep your perspective fresh and your energy high. It can be simple, like going to Starbucks for a Cinnamon Dolce Latte instead of your usual brewed-at-home boring coffee. Or wearing something that’s been in the back of the closet for awhile. Or going to a quirky coffeehouse to do some work, for a change of venue. Or meeting a friend for lunch or visiting a museum in the middle of the day.

   Even in career transition, it’s possible to reclaim that same “giddy,” joyful feeling that a snow day can evoke.

2. But keep some semblance of routine, anyway.
   Despite the thrill of the snow day, by the time you’ve been stuck in the house for four days, the joy and charm of it all starts to wane a bit. The groceries run low. Your pale white skin starts to look green from lack of sunlight. So, while I advocate mixing up the routine a bit, it pays to keep some semblance of a routine in place so you can keep your wits about you.

   The same is true for those of us in career transition. What begins as a liberating moment can one day make you feel stuck. A friend of mine who’s been self-employed off and on over the years gave me this piece of advice when I left my job to start my own business: “Get up and get dressed every day as if you were still going in to the office.”

   While we sure wouldn’t fault you for the occasional day spent in sweat pants, try to “show up” for yourself every day by putting a little effort into your routine.  

3. Do the thing that’s been hanging over your head.
   There were dozens of things I really could have—or should have—tended to while being stranded in the house over the weekend. Gathering paperwork for tax time, ironing my husband’s dress shirts (I offer to do this for him, by the way) and working on a project for a client were on the list. Instead, I organized my sock drawer.

   Why the sock drawer, you may ask? Well, it had become a jumbled mess, and every time I opened the drawer to pull out a pair, I was reminded of how much it was annoying me. I longed for the basic order of a well-tidied sock drawer: one row for athletic socks, one row for dress socks, one row for casual and wool socks (and the fabulous socks my friend Nikki knits for me, which are simply the best!).

   When you are in job transition, there are likely a few tasks—some small, some large— that are hanging over your head: unfinished business in your personal or professional life that you keep bumping into. Give yourself permission, for just one hour or just one day, to focus your efforts on dealing with them for once and for all. You can always get back to “business as usual” tomorrow.

4. Seek out community.
   As the snow began to fall already last Friday, a neighbor knocked on our door to let us know about an impromptu happy hour in the community room of our condo building.  Then, on Saturday, another knock on the door – the same neighbor, with another invitation to another impromptu party. We don’t usually socialize with our neighbors (in fact, until we got our dog, we barely knew anyone here) but we decided it would be a fun change of pace, so we went. We stayed for hours. We met a woman originally from Minnesota, a military officer who works at the Pentagon, a former interior designer who is writing a cookbook, a fellow writer who moonlights as a dog-walker,  a newcomer from Connecticut who just moved here in December. We left feeling a lot of goodwill and affection toward our neighbors. Now when we leave our building and run into someone, instead of simply asking, “How’s the dog?”, they now also ask, “How’s business? How’s your family? Heading back to Wisconsin soon?”

   When you’re in transition, it’s easy to wall yourself off from people – maybe because you are so focused on your “next thing” or perhaps because you feel like less of yourself right now. But now is not the time to hunker down alone. Even if you don’t feel like you can (or want to) actively seek out community right now, at least allow yourself to be invited into one.  You will leave a more fulfilled and supported person, I promise you.

   And, even if nothing else, perhaps you will leave with the name of a good dog walker!

 Posted by Jenaissance
 (c) January 25, 2010

We are emerging, slowly, from the worst recession in our lifetime, one that has crippled our financial centers, dried up jobs and easy credit, and sent our expectations, not to mention our wallets, reeling.

So why, then, are we so happy?

In the November 23, 2009, issue of Time magazine, columnist Nancy Gibbs writes about the “happiness paradox.” Pollsters have measured (albeit awkwardly) “national attitude” over the years, which, not surprisingly, hit its lowest points in 1973, 1982, 1992 and 2001—all recession years. More recently, when the Gallup-Healthways Well Being Index was launched in January 2008, it too sought to measure national “mood.” When the economy hit its roughest patch during the summer months of 2008, so did the national “mood”—until a surprising and paradoxical thing happened. By summer 2009, the national mood had increased to a level even higher than it had been in 2008, before the economy collapsed.

Writes Gibbs: “I’m struck by how many people tell pollsters that the voluntary downshifting and downsizing of the past year have come as a kind of relief. Maybe we’ve lowered our standards. But we already knew that money can buy only comfort, not contentment; happiness correlates much more closely with our causes and connections than with our net worth.”

I tested this theory anecdotally on a random sample of friends and acquaintances whose households are in transition for one reason or another.  I asked what transition-inspired changes they’ve made and whether they are happier as a result. Here’s what they had to say.

“My husband and I resolved to do more entertaining at home in 2010 vs. meeting friends at restaurants. We love how the house feels in prep for, during and after guests…and many favorite culinary Web sites and magazines are featuring thrifty and tasty menus that feed a table of friends for a fraction of dinner out for two. We’re trying to focus on honoring special occasions in family and friends’ lives for the themes…heartwarming all around.” (Natalie, Minneapolis)

“I’m eating at home more. It is healthier and I feel better. I am working on finding balance in my life and comfort in my house because I cannot afford to go anywhere so I need peace and balance in my daily life.” (Heidi, Washington, D.C.)

“Our family started a ‘Family Activity Christmas Countdown’ this year. The concept is simple, of course – to celebrate each other during the holiday season instead of losing each other to the hoopla of parties and presents. We created a Christmas countdown chain with a link for each day and an activity on each link. The rules were pretty simple: the activity had to be done together, and if at all possible, cost no money. It could last five minutes or five hours, as long as that time was spent together.  This is the second year we’ve done it, and it really has become a highlight of the Christmas season for us.

The other thing that we did last year during spring break was a staycation. All of the kids had friends heading off to beaches and exotic locations and something like just wasn’t in the budget for us. I still wanted to make their spring break special, though, so I came up with the concept of a staycation where each person in our family had a day dedicated to him or her. That person started the day with breakfast in bed (their choice, decided the night before) and then planned our day. We visited the science museum, the zoo and the water park. Some days were just quiet days at home. My one son chose to have a pajama day on his day, and my daughter chose to make dinner together on her day (and have a fire safety meeting – she’s a classic first child.) While our outings to the science museum and the water park cost money, it was significantly less than we would have spent on a vacation, and everyone loved having control of a day. 

I am not so delusional that I think my kids wouldn’t trade our staycation for a trip to Hawaii in a heartbeat, but I’d like to think that we made some fun memories just the same. (Becky, Minneapolis) 

So how about you? How are you finding happiness and contentment among the challenges of the recession? We’d love to hear from you!

 By Sharon Korbeck Verbeten
 (c) October 20, 2009

 
Quick—let’s play word association. What comes to mind when I say the word “unplugged?”

Depending on your age and status in life, it could conjure up images of [insert your favorite 1980s band name here] playing one of their head-banging hits acoustically on MTV. That’s likely when the term “unplugged” really entered our collective vernacular.

And while unplugging the electric guitar (or Guitar Hero, as it were) may bring down the adrenaline level a bit, these days, the verb has a new meaning, somewhere along the lines of “Step away from the BlackBerry…and no one will get hurt!”

Whether working mom (can I see a show of cell-phone free hands, please?) or corporate executive, no one is immune to the BlackBerry—its lure is as indelible as the stains caused by the fruit it’s named after. 

An article appearing this summer in The Washington Post online urged corporate leaders to “unplug” themselves to set an example for their employees. The author, a corporate CEO, noted that in times of economic recession, it can be even more challenging to “disconnect” from our work—when every deal, every moment, every interaction matters even more.

 But achieving that weekend balance between staying on top of work (being responsible) and losing oneself in nirvana (being human) is like riding a seesaw as an adult—not especially comfortable or fun (plus those inevitable blasted splinters). 

 Here’s a glimpse of how some working women—from librarians to corporate VPs—unplug from their busy work weeks.

Do what you love.
Terri Abblett, a business analyst with Freddie Mac in Washington, D.C. spends her days surrounded by heavy information. So to de-stress, she spends her weekends surrounded by heavy cream. “I’m trying to get my personal chef business up and running, so a few weekends a month, I cook for people, which actually is a de-stressor for me. If I’m not cooking for them, I like to cook for myself and eat the results!”

Regress to De-stress.
You might think that Wisconsin librarian Kristen Anderson would pick up a good book to unplug. But for her, nothing is better than spending time with her two young nephews. “I’ve always found that they help me slow down and look around more than I normally would.”

Bring on the bubbly.
For some, that means champagne, for others, the calming zen of a whirlpool tub. “For me, it’s a whirlpool bath, with the lights down and a girly cocktail, like a mudslide (but the easy kind that come in a bottle that you just pour over chipped ice!), said Lou Ann Nettekoven, an advertising/communications manager in Green Bay, Wis.

Get back to nature.
If all else fails, lock the PDA in a drawer and get outside, no matter the season, no matter the reason. “I have a standing date with my husband to walk to the local coffee shop. Sometimes we extend the walk into the nearby woods to bird watch or visit the local farmers’ market,” said Laura Schulte-Cooper, a library association program officer from Chicago. And Kristin Van Drisse doesn’t have to go far—the De Pere, Wis., banking VP simply heads to her backyard pond—complete with illuminated steps and koi fish—to listen to the calming waterfall.