Tripping On The Ladder

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) December 9, 2009

In the long-running TV show, being a “Survivor” is the best thing that can happen. Competitors will go to great lengths and low depths to outwit and outlast. 

But in the workplace, being a survivor doesn’t come with near the glory…or the monetary prize.

In the midst of more corporate layoffs than most of us have seen in our lifetimes, there is rightly lots of news attention being paid to those forced into transition. But what about those of us who are still employed? The ones still left in the office, taking on piles more work, listening to crickets chirp in all the silent, empty cubicles around us?

Being a layoff survivor can come with lots of emotions and challenges:

• Sadness as you watch dear friends and long-time colleagues leaving.
• Anxiety as you wonder if you’ll be next.
• Stress as you figure out how you’ll now do the work of others on top of your own, because let’s face it: most companies don’t reduce work when they reduce staff.
• Guilt over your continued employment while other talented people are let go.
• Frustration over the seeming halt in your own career path while the whole company freezes hiring and salaries.

What can you do?
In the midst of all these emotions, it’s important to take the time to acknowledge your feelings and find ways to help cope with them.

 Express your feelings to your co-workers. Let them know you will miss them, and find ways to help with closure like goodbye lunches.

Offer to help them in their job search efforts.  Connect to them on LinkedIn, give helpful feedback on resumes or cover letters, and offer to give recommendations.

Talk to someone about your own stress. Many companies offer employee assistance programs for temporary counseling as a benefit. Take advantage of those services.

Do what you can to stay motivated…and healthy. In such a negative environment, this is hard. But find ways to keep yourself going. Set small goals, celebrate (in a subtle, sensitive way) your own achievements. And be sure to keep getting sleep, good food and exercise. In short, take good care of yourself mentally and physically.

Have a tactful, practical conversation with your boss about how to prioritize your work. As one of the few resources still available, you have value. Work together to create a plan for what’s most important and what you can realistically accomplish in a work week.

Focus on your career development. That seems almost impossible in a downsizing environment. But taking on new tasks also means gaining new expertise and skills. Use this time to learn and grow yourself. The economic downturn won’t last forever, and you could come out on the other side with many more tools to help on your journey up the ladder—or wherever you want to go from here.

Additional Resources:

• JoNel Aleccia, “Guilty and stressed, layoff survivors suffer, too,” MSNBC, December 15, 2008.
• Mary Zeiher, “Layoff Survivor Syndrome in the Workplace,” Associated Content, January 2, 2009.
• Susan M. Heathfield, “How to Cope When Co-Workers Lose Their Jobs,” About.com

Read these other recent Desperate Workingwife columns:

• “Desperate Workingwife: Turkey and Shopping and Christmas Trees, Oh My! Surviving the Holiday Jungle in Your Less-Than-Fully-Employed Household”
• “Desperate Workingwife: Give Me a Massage or Die! How to Relieve Your Own Stress While Living with Your Unemployed Spouse”
• “Desperate Workingwife: It Ain’t the Opera but I’m Wearing My Best Dress Anyway. Ways to Stay Romantic Without Spending the Fortune Your Unemployed Spouse Isn’t Earning Right Now”

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) December 2, 2009

Let’s face it—living with an unemployed spouse is darn stressful. You spend a lot of time focusing on him: listening to his job search struggles, finding ways to keep his spirits up, discussing budget issues, being understanding about his emotional ups and downs…

And it’s not like your own life or career is without stress either. It’s possible things at your own company might be less than secure. You still have your own job duties and career development to think about, volunteer meetings to attend…and it’s even conceivable that having your spouse without a job right now might cause you some additional stress.

 Unless you’re a superhero or a saint, it’s time you think about relieving some of that stress. If you don’t, it’s eventually going to explode—all over your household. And that, my friend, will do no one any good.

 Find a venting partner.  
Spend time with a friend you can trust and who will listen to your feelings and struggles. Your spouse already has enough struggles of his or her own to deal with and probably doesn’t need yours. But you do need a safe place to let your hair down and get it all out.

Look for other support.
Investigate your local workforce development board to see if there’s a support group for unemployed spouses. If not, offer to help start one. Meeting with others in your same situation could give you great ideas and encouragement.

Finish a project.
Get out that craft or hobby project that’s been sitting unfinished in a closet or garage for a year and finish it. You’ll do something you love and have the satisfaction of being productive. It’s something you can do during a time when you feel like there’s a lot you can’t do.

Stay healthy.
You’re not going to be able to be supportive for your spouse if you’re feeling like crud. Maintain your exercise routine, try to eat healthy foods and get as much sleep as you can. Your health is very important right now.

Sing or laugh loudly.
Put your favorite CD in the car and belt away. Watch your favorite funny DVD. In general, find things that make you happy and offer a positive release of energy. If you and your spouse can do this together, even better!

Make your own spa night.
Take a bubble bath, give yourself a manicure or facial. Talk your loving spouse into giving you a massage with candles—a bottle of massage lotion is much cheaper than an hour at the spa. Plus, once he’s got you relaxed and feeling loved, you never know what might be in it for him.

Focus on your own personal and professional development.
Be sure you keep up with your own career, even though your spouse is in transition. Read a business book, attend a seminar or network with people you think can help you grow.

 In general, be sure your own stress is dealt with so you can help your spouse deal with his.

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) November 25, 2009

For most of us, getting through the holidays in a normal year is bad enough. The song “The Twelve Pains of Christmas,” by the Bob Rivers Comedy Corp, about sums it up for me.

Sending Christmas cards to extended family on my husband’s side I barely know.  Driving to and from—and spending hours in—rehearsals and concerts. Standing in huge lines at unforgivable hours of the morning just to get a few more dollars off the already inflated price of a Christmas gift your mother-in-law probably will return anyway.

So…now that you’ve got a spouse at home worried about finding a new job, you’re on a reduced budget and there’s more stress to go around than flour on holiday cookie baking day—how will you survive?

Here are a few tips for getting through the holidays while you’ve got a spouse in career transition:

Breathe.
I know the holiday season means three times as many filled days on the calendar looming at you from your refrigerator door. But now might be a time to reassess some of those commitments. Is there anything you can cut back on for awhile?

Prioritize.
Do you really need to make 70 Christmas cards by hand and handwrite messages in all of them? What if you send e-greetings to most people this year, and just saved the special cards for those most important to you? Evaluate which holiday traditions are most important to you and which ones can be changed or put on hold.

Budget.
Have a discussion with your spouse and family members about what you can realistically can spend—and can’t—on holiday gifts this year. Agree on a spending limit in advance, so there are no disappointments or embarrassments later.

Help others.
Even with your own transition issues, there are always those who need more help than you. Talk with your whole family about “adopting” a family or cause this year. Ask that everyone contribute what they would’ve spent on gifts to this effort instead.

Get creative.
Gifts don’t have to be expensive. In fact, handmade gifts are often more appreciated than something bought from a department store. A few ideas for creative, low-cost gifts for family members:

• Create a recipe book with all the recipient’s favorite ingredients. Search recipes online, copy them and paste them nicely into a document. Print out and place in a hand-decorated binder.
• Make jars of specialty hot chocolate, chai tea or soup mixes. Decorate the covers and include instructions for making the final product.
• Use crafting talents and supplies you already have on hand: knit/crochet scarves, stamp sets of cards, make mini-scrapbooks or create jewelry. Not only will your personalized gifts be appreciated, it will give you a fun, stress-relieving project you enjoy.

Realize this temporary.
No one wants to “skimp” on this special time of year. But remember that a few changes for this year won’t be devastating in the long run. And, who knows, your family may even love some of these ideas enough to start new traditions.

 Additional Resources:

• “Gifts from the Kitchen: Recipes for Jar Mixes, Food Gifts and More,” The Recipe Link
• “Holiday Gifts: 8 Homemade Gifts in a Jar,” SquawkFox, December 8, 2008.
• Amy Scattergood, “50 ways to make your holiday gifts homemade,” LA Times, December 10, 2008.
• Lori Johnston, “7 splendid homemade holiday gifts“

Recent Desperate Workingwife columns:

• “Desperate Workingwife: It Ain’t the Opera but I’m Wearing My Best Dress Anyway. Ways to Stay Romantic Without Spending the Fortune Your Unemployed Spouse Isn’t Earning Right Now”
• “Desperate Workingwife: Guilty Confessions of a Green-Eyed Monster”
• “Desperate Workingwife: You Got Up at WHAT Time? Helping Your Unemployed Spouse Find a New Routine…That Doesn’t Drive You Up a Wall”

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) November 11, 2009

I really actually do have green eyes. But I have to admit something I’m not proud of: they’re even greener these days…with jealousy.

I confess. I’m jealous of my unemployed spouse. There are days when I’m downright, absolutely, positively envious.

If you’re currently unemployed and reading this, you probably think I must be off my rocker. But think of it this way:

My husband gets to be at home, on our comfy couch, with our cats in a quiet environment all day. There are no ergonomic office chairs, annoying phone calls, looming deadlines or demanding co-workers anywhere in sight.

There is no morning—or evening—commute that he has to deal with. No annoying drivers, no bad weather worries, no filling the car with gas every few days.

He doesn’t have to set an alarm; he can just get up when it’s light outside. And when he does get up, the coffee is already brewed and waiting. (Because, of course, there’s no way I’ve already gone off to work without coffee. I mean…please!)

He has hours every day he could use to do whatever he’d like. (If it were me, by the way, I’d be knitting socks. I’d totally have enough woolen gifts ready for family and friends to be set through the next three years’ of Christmases and birthdays.)

He totally has time to start an exercise program if he wants to. My biggest excuse for not exercising has always been lack of time. With all that time at home, I just know that the Wii Fit^TM I got for Christmas two years ago would be paying off by now if it were me. (Or at least that’s how it works in my head.)

He can wear comfortable clothes every day. There are no constrictive zippers or buttons in his wardrobe at all right now. If his clothes don’t match, there are no fashion police hovering to let him know. Heck, most days he’s lucky to put on socks, let alone shoes.

Now…on the flip side, I do realize that these things I’m envious about come at a high cost.  For example:

I understand that those hours on the couch are spent worrying about next steps and being frustrated at yet another failed job search or another rejection e-mail.  And that his “looming deadline” is the date unemployment insurance runs out.

I get that while there’s plenty of time at home each day, that doesn’t mean it gets to be used for “fun” stuff. And that just that there is time for exercise still doesn’t mean he magically has the desire to do it.

And I know that my husband would gladly swap his sweatshirt for a button-down if it meant being gainfully employed again.

I get it.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes still wish we could switch places…just for a little while. That’s why it’s called a “guilty” confession! 

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) November 4, 2009

It’s understandable that the first thing anyone would want to do when suddenly not required to show up at work is to stop setting an alarm and start sleeping in. Heck, isn’t that what we do most weekends?

And yet, there comes a time after that first week or so of adjustment to the “new normal” of career transition when you realize that your beloved spouse might be taking that newfound freedom to a new level. And seriously, if you find him one more time on the couch in his pajamas after not having gotten up until noon, with the TV playing old Star Trek episodes and chips scattered all over the couch, you’re going to have to kill someone.

 Am I speaking to anyone here?

Before you get blood all over a perfectly good carpet, I’d like to suggest having the first of what might be a handful of courageous conversations with your spouse about his career transition period, and how he might make it productive for himself—and you.

 Establishing a Temporary Routine

Talk about it.
While you really do need to be sensitive to your spouse’s feelings, that doesn’t mean you should bottle all your own. Ask to find a time to have a quiet, logical discussion about how it makes you feel to be working full time knowing your spouse’s day is being used less than productively. Also, ask him to remember that this schedule affects you, too. For instance, hearing the TV going late into the night may affect your sleep—and you still have to get up for work!

Suggest some compromises.
No one is saying your spouse can’t sleep in a little. But suggest a compromise that would work for both of you. Maybe he gets up shortly after you go to work, with the benefit of having freshly brewed coffee waiting for him. And rather than staying up late, perhaps you could suggest that there’s something in it for him if he comes to bed when you do. 

Offer ideas for using time in ways that benefit you both.
Since you’re working full time and your spouse is at home, ask (don’t command) if he can help out more with the household duties for now. Remind him that this is temporary, during this transition time, and that this would really help you out. Additionally, suggest ways he could use his time that would benefit him. Maybe there’s a project he’s always wanted time to finish or a subject he’s always been interested in researching. This would be a great time for him to use some time for that.

Together, come up with a schedule.
Having a daily routine has been proven to be psychologically beneficial. Work together to establish a schedule that benefits everyone in the household. It should include some time for job searching, some time for household duties and some time for pursuit of projects that inspire happiness. Here’s an example you could use as a start.  

Additional Resources: 

• “Figuring out the routine of unemployment,” Maynard Institute, June 16, 2009.
• Greg Welikson, “Unemployment & Psychological Health,” The Canned, July 28, 2009
• Darrel Giann, “Surviving Unemployment – Staying Positive Through Uncertain Times,” Buzzle.com, August 29, 2008

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) October 28, 2009

We’ve already talked about What NOT to Say. But what conversations should you have with an unemployed spouse? And how and when do you have those conversations?

What to say in the first 24-48 hours

“I’m so sorry, honey.”
At this point, acknowledge the loss your spouse is feeling. Think of it almost as if you were greeting family members at a funeral service.

“I know this is not your fault.”
Let your spouse know—directly—that you know he isn’t to blame for what happened.

“We’ll get through this together.”
Encourage solidarity. Let your spouse know he or she is not alone—you are partners.

What to say in the first two weeks

“How can I help?”
In the first two weeks, your spouse will be scrambling to get a resume updated, find job search Web sites, register for unemployment insurance and begin networking.  There may actually be ways to help, like proofreading cover letters or sharing job resources you’ve heard about (like this Web site). But be careful to offer and not be pushy. Only help where you’re asked to help. (more…)

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) October 21, 2009

You’ve had The Dreaded Phone Call. You’ve recovered enough to get yourself into the car and drive home—where your spouse is waiting for you with his box full of framed photos and miscellaneous office junk he’s cleared off his desk.

What you want to do is scream. What you want to say is: “How could you do this to me?”

Please do yourself and your spouse a favor: Don’t.

Having been through this scenario three times in my marriage, I feel I have at least a certain amount of expertise in this area. Believe me—it’s not an area I’d choose to have expertise in. But life deals us what life deals us and I’ve learned to deal with this unexpected change in a way that’s kept my marriage solid.

Things you want to say to your unemployed spouse but you really, really shouldn’t:

“What did you do to make them fire you?”
This statement puts blame on your spouse—for something very likely not his or her fault.  In these economic times, even the most talented, faithful employees are finding themselves “right-sized” right out of their jobs.

“How could you do this to me?”
While you’re understandably worried about how this change will affect you, right now this isn’t about you. Your spouse (unless he’s a truly sadistic person, in which case you might want to be reading some other blogs right now) did not do this to you. He didn’t purposely decide to become unemployed to harm you. In truth, he’s probably feeling right now like the company did this to him. (more…)

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) October 14, 2009

You’re finishing up your workday, answering a few more e-mails and tidying up some papers on your desk.  The phone rings and you see on the caller ID that it’s your husband. 

Not uncommon – there are often calls like this at the end of the day to discuss what to pick up for dinner. So you answer, phone crooked between your ear and shoulder so you can multi-task while talking.  And then you hear the words…

“Honey…I’m so sorry to tell you this. But I just lost my job.”

The typing stops. Your hand comes up to hold onto the receiver because you need to hold onto something right now.  You no longer even see the papers on your desk because you’ve developed a sort of tunnel vision. And it feels like your heart just landed in the pit of your stomach.

How do I know?  Because I’ve been there.  Three times in six years of marriage, I’ve been there and gotten that phone call.  My name is Diva Nikki, and I’m a Desperate Workingwife.

Things you need to hear: Don’t panic, and you’re not alone.

Despite your initial instincts, should you be in the midst of one of these phone calls right now, remember the reason that the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy was so popular was because it had the words “Don’t Panic” in large, friendly letters on the cover. (more…)