Tripping On The Ladder

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) April 28, 2010

Some of you may have wondered how I came by my moniker “Diva Nikki.” 

It’s actually not that I’m a diva in personality. I’m not a snob. I’m not a fashionista with 100 pairs of shoes. (Sadly, I tend to wear the same comfortable pair all the time.) And I’m certainly not someone who expects others to cater to my every whim.

The name is actually a nickname I was given by friends years ago because of what I do, not because of who I am.  You see, I’m a singer. I’ve been singing since I was about 3 years old…had my first solo at 5. It’s something I’ve always done, and done well. Though I chose not to make it my college major or my profession (a choice, by the way, I still look back at and wonder about), I’ve found plenty of ways to feed my passion for music. That includes a six-year stint as a chorus member in a local opera company, among other things. Being an opera singer doesn’t seem to be all that common among those in the average working world – thus, the nickname.

Unfortunately, there have been periods of my life where I’ve let that passion for music fall to the wayside. For instance, when my husband and I were full-time employees and full time MBA students, I had to let music go for a little while. And more recently, while my husband was in career transition I tried to focus more energy on keeping our household prospering than I did on my own interests.  

I think as women we have a tendency to put the needs of others before our own needs. We give so freely that sometimes we forget to take back a little bit of energy for ourselves.

As working women, too, it’s so easy to get caught up in being the “corporate” versions of ourselves that we forget the “real” versions.

And then, sometimes the right people and opportunities come along at the right time to remind you that YOU matter. Several months ago, I was invited to join the local symphony chorus. (Essentially, whenever the symphony wants to do works that include singing, they call us.) It had been a little while since I’d had the opportunity to do some real classical music. Handel, Vivaldi…  Quite frankly – I had forgotten that this is something I’m designed and trained to do.

As I started going to rehearsals, seeing old friends from my opera days, singing music from composers I love…my soul just opened up. As I would open my mouth to sing, it was like opening myself up to a pure joy I hadn’t felt in a long time. This was something just for me. Not something I should do. Not something I had to do. Not something that would help someone else. All mine.

This past weekend, I was honored to have the opportunity to appear as a soloist in our latest concert with the local symphony. I spent a good hour or so before the concert getting “diva’d” up. The hair, the dress, the makeup, even the jewelry. It was like putting on a persona. With each element, my inner Diva started coming back out. I remembered who I was. I felt confident, radiant, happy.  And as I walked out to the front of the stage during the concert, feeling the lights on me, the music swelling behind me, the anticipation of the audience…I knew I was right where I needed to be. My soul was at home.

What does this have to do with having a spouse in career transition, you might ask? 

Just this: Unleash your own inner Diva every once in awhile, whatever that means for you. Where does your soul feel most at home? Where do you feel like you’re doing exactly what you’re designed to do? Whether it’s on stage, behind a keyboard, in a pair of running shoes or in your kitchen – do it. Feed your own soul. By feeding your own passions and reminding yourself that you’re a unique, powerful talented person you’ll be better prepared to support others.

 My hair may be less curly today, my dress put away…but the Diva in me is still smiling. I hope yours will, too.

By Diva Nikki (interviewing her husband Brian) 
(c) March 31, 2010

Isn’t it amazing how men and women view the world differently? 

For any of you who read and remember Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, we often seem to be from another planet. So how does all this play out when a couple is in the midst of career transition?

In this two-part series, “He Said, She Said,” you’ll hear from both sides…and finally meet the amazing husband of your favorite Desperate Workingwife as I interview him for this article.

Part 1 – HE SAID: Transition from husband Brian’s perspective

Desperate Workingwife (DWW): What’s been the hardest thing about being in transition?

Brian: The hardest things about being in transition are the feeling of helplessness and the feeling of non-contribution.  Even with an active plan to find a new job, there is still only so much that I can control.  Since I’m not making a real salary, I feel like I’m letting the family down.

DWW: What’s been the biggest blessing?

B: The biggest blessing is the increase in free time.  There is extra time to bond with the cats, and to take care of a few things around the house.  Being able to score points with my wife by taking care of laundry and cleaning is nice.  I also have the ability to put some effort into pet projects and potential self-employment options.

DWW: What has surprised you the most during this time of transition?

B: I am surprised most by the length of the transition.  In good economic times, when a position is posted, HR professionals hope to find someone who meets about 75% of their preferred criteria.  During this transition I have been unable to get interviews for positions where I meet about 90% of the preferred criteria. It seems that there are so many people on the market that every position attracts multiple applicants who do meet 100%.  Along with the length of the transition, I am surprised by the lack of much tension at home.

DWW: In what ways have you worked to sustain your marriage during this time of change?

B: The way I work most to sustain my marriage is to be helpful at home. No matter how much time I am looking for a new job, there is always some down-time during the day. Some of this time is reserved for household chores that my wife would normally do.

Another way that I work to sustain the marriage is to try to keep my transition frustrations from dominating time spent with my wife.  She knows I am frustrated and I know she is frustrated.  There is no need to dwell on the frustration and ruin the night.  Dates at home and dates at inexpensive restaurants are nice ways of keeping romance alive while on a budget.

DWW: Where have you found information or support?

B: I have found information and support pretty much everywhere. Friends and family have been good sources of both. Networking groups and job-seeker support groups and industry association meetings provide support in different ways.  The key is to seek out multiple avenues of support covering different demographics to maximize the breadth of information.

DWW: What changes have you made in your household that you think have most helped you make it through the transition?

B: The revised budget probably provides the most help. By knowing what we can and can’t spend during the week, one large source of stress is removed. Knowing how long we can be okay financially allows me to focus on other areas.

DWW: What’s the first thing you’ll do when the transition period is over?

B: The first thing I will do is take my wife out to a nice sushi dinner and possibly a mini-vacation. Recovering our emergency funds will be a high priority, but showing my appreciation for my wife who has been totally supportive in my search will come first.

Stay tuned for next Wednesday’s edition of Desperate Workingwife, when the tables turn and husband Brian interviews Diva Nikki in “He Said, She Said” – Part II: The “She Said” Edition.

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) March 24, 2010

 Several weeks ago, I mentioned that I was blessed with a vacation to Walt Disney World with my husband and parents. In short: it was great!

Anyone who’s ever read a business book or journal is likely familiar with the fact that Disney. Does. Things. Well. 

They are a well-oiled machine of great customer service and experience perfection.

 While I was there, it struck me that there were actually some lessons to be learned at the Big Mouse’s House about being in transition.

It’s always better to wait less than your expected time than to wait more.
At each and every ride, there is a clever signage system (some now more high-tech than others) to let you know how long the wait is expected to be before you climb in a boat/honey pot/flying elephant and have an adventure. 

The cleverness is this: the time actually posted is always longer than your actual wait time. So when you wait only 20 minutes instead of the 35 you were expecting – you’re happy about it. If you’re in career transition, the lesson here is to be careful about setting timelines for yourself. It’s better to expect a long wait and be pleasantly surprised than to plan on a short wait and be disappointed.

Waiting is less unpleasant when you’ve got fun distractions to keep you occupied.
You cannot go to Walt Disney World and avoid being in a queue. It’s amazing how even at the airport, they begin preparing you to wait for absolutely everything you’re going to do, be it board a bus, go on a ride, make a trip to a restroom or dine at a restaurant. You absolutely will wait…and in an organized fashion.

Speaking of celebrating, Diva Nikki's parents celebrated their 43rd anniversary!

But – they are masters at providing great distraction while you’re waiting. Maybe it’s a fun video, or larger-than-life displays of toys or even replicas of “scientific” evidence that yetis really do exist. Whichever tactic – it works. Suddenly the wait seems less about aching feet and more about an engaged mind.

The lesson here is that while in career transition, try to find at least some amount of pleasant distraction while you wait. As Jenaissance pointed out in a recent article – time can be a gift. In addition to the hard work of job searching, be sure you throw in a little fun, too. It might just make you forget for a minute that you’re waiting.

Celebrate everything.
The theme this year at Walt Disney World is, “What will you celebrate?” Absolutely everywhere from the transportation to the restaurants, that theme was present.

"Celebrate Volunteers" dessert

My dessert plate at one of the restaurants even had “Celebrate Volunteers” stamped in chocolate. The mid-afternoon parades were about celebrating. When making dinner reservations online, there was even a spot to indicate what you were celebrating.

What’s the lesson here? Celebrate even the small things. Getting a job interview, finishing a project, even making a great new contact – spend at least a few seconds celebrating your accomplishment.

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) March 17, 2010

One of my favorite bands of all time is U2. I’ve borrowed the title of one of their more famous songs for this article.

While the subject matter of song and article are quite different, I think the title works well for both.

In response to my article asking for ideas and suggestions for this column, I got a great question from one of our readers:

“What happens to the column when your husband gets a job? I really enjoy reading your insights. I am going through this now with my husband, and it’s nice to hear other wife’s thoughts on how to keep it all together when it feels like everything is falling apart.”

What an excellent and timely question. You see, my husband has gotten a job. Well, sort of.

About a month ago, my husband got a job offer. Sort of. The “sort of” is that he was offered a position at a really great company…but it’s a temporary/part-time position. The person who offered the job – who, by the way, is a regular reader of this column – understood that it was well below his qualification level. (He’s got an MBA. The position was mostly for data entry help.) But she saw this as an opportunity to give my husband a chance to network, get an “in” at a company he would love to work for…and to be out of the house and not collecting unemployment.

At that moment, my husband could have done many things. He could’ve been insulted at the idea of doing work below his skill and knowledge level. He could’ve demanded more than what was being offered to him and made it about the money rather than the opportunity and intent. He could’ve let his pride get in the way. But he didn’t. In the name of love – for me, for our household, for our life together – he threw his pride out the window. He listened to the offer, saw it for the opportunity it was and said, “When can I start?”

Since taking the position, he’s certainly done his share of data entry. And he’s done it gratefully.  He also, however, has lent an enormous amount of continuous improvement, programming, logic and thought leadership to some important projects for the area he’s helping out. It hasn’t mattered to him what his paycheck level is right now. It’s mattered to him that he’s been able to help people and make a positive difference.

Does he hope this will lead to a more permanent position? Absolutely.

Is he holding back right now because he’s only a temporary employee making a lower salary? Absolutely not.

He’s making the most of this opportunity. 

I told you this article was about pride. But it’s not about my husband’s pride…or even the way he was able to set that pride aside to do something good for us. It’s about my pride… My pride in him for being a talented, wonderful person and husband who is willing to take a chance and accept an opportunity that we both hope will benefit him and our life together…someday.

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) February 10, 2010

First, I’d like to thank those of you who sent notes of support and concern after my recent Prioritizing Priorities article. 

I’d also like to reassure you that in our household, nothing excremental or otherwise has yet hit the fan. We’re just taking further steps to prepare ourselves as best we can.

Not to say it’s all puppies and rainbows in our lives these days, either. But one thing I’ve noted about times of trial in our lives is that it puts in sharp, unmistakable relief the good things in our lives as well. It makes me think of one of my favorite quotes:

“Don’t block the blessings.” – Patti LaBelle  

As a Desperate Workingwife, here are some of my suggestions for recognizing the blessings in your life…even when your spouse’s career transition may be far, far less than a blessing.

Appreciate your own career and development.
I recently underwent a bit of career transition myself and began reporting to a new manager in a new area of the company at the beginning of this year. I might have been tempted, at first, to think, “Gee…just what I need. More change.” And that would’ve blocked some serious blessings. Because as it turns out, my new manager is one of the best surprises I’ve had in a long time. She believes in me wholeheartedly, pushes me to be better and encourages me to think bigger. She’s completely reenergized my passion for what I do. There’s a blessing I want to count, not block.

Stop and revel in your own accomplishments.
I’m not saying you should rub your own accomplishments in your spouse’s face. Be tactful. But do celebrate your wins in a personal way. Just finished a big project at work? Treat yourself to a pair of shoes on clearance. Lost a pound this week? Do a happy dance in the kitchen. (I highly recommend socks on hardwood floors for the best spinning capabilities.)

Celebrate the accomplishments of others.
You’ve probably heard that even if you’re feeling down, if you physically make yourself smile that act will eventually elicit the corresponding emotion of happiness. (Try it.) Celebrating the blessings of others can bring you blessings of your own. So attend your friend’s baby shower, go to happy hour to celebrate your co-worker’s promotion and hoot and holler when your spouse gets called for an interview.

Notice and accept support with gratitude.
Chance are, you’ve got a great support network in your life. (My best girls – you know who you are and I love you.) Have you noticed that more often lately, as you’ve been living through your spouse’s career transition time, that lunch or coffee tabs are picked up by friends? Rather than argue with them. let them and thank them. Most of us have it in our nature to want to help the people we care about. This is their time to help you – don’t block their blessings by taking that opportunity away from them.

Thank God for the blessings which come out of thin air.
Maybe you got an unexpected refund check in the mail.  Or your heating bill was less than you thought it would be this month. In my case, out of nowhere, a new friend came into my life through one of my music groups. Without any rhyme or reason I could think of, this beautiful woman became somewhat of a personal cheerleader for me and gave me confidence at exactly the time when I needed it. When these things seem to come out of nowhere, simply stop and offer praise for the Holy Spirit’s influence in your life.

Additional Resources:

Patti Labelle, Don’t Block the Blessings – available on Amazon.com

Yvonne Bynoe, Is Your Attitude Blocking Your Blessings?,

  By Diva Nikki
 (c) February 3, 2010

A few weeks ago I wrote about the importance of  keeping the romance going while you’re experiencing career transition in your household.  Of course, it can be challenging to be romantic when you’re watching your pennies. 

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I thought I’d give you some more ideas for keeping the spark alive, even on a budget.

 Have a cocktails and karaoke night – in your own living room.
(Or kitchen, as it happened to be in our case.)  Make some cocktails, plug the iPod into some speakers, and sing away to all your favorite songs.

 Support the local performing arts.
Attend community theater, community choir, high school or college performances. Tickets tend to be fairly inexpensive, and you might be surprised at the quality of entertainment.

Write letters to each other.
On paper. Reminisce about past dates, anniversaries, vacations or fond memories. Leave the letters as a surprise for each other in random places around the house.

Go to the movies – on a budget.
Attend matinees for new releases you can’t wait for. If your community has one, wait a few weeks, then catch the flick for ½ the price at the local budget theater. (The one where I live also serves affordable pizza!)

Invite other couples over for a shared meal with a theme.
Ask each person to bring a dish (thus saving costs for you) to fit the evening’s theme. Themes could be anything from a country to a certain color or letter.

Be tourists in your own town.
Check out your city’s tourism or chamber of commerce website to find local attractions or events with free admission. You might be amazed at the local treasures you find, like museums, parks, gardens, lectures or outdoor concerts.

Relive great memories.
On a quiet evening, pull out your wedding photos, honeymoon photos and other scrapbooks, cards or letters you’ve kept over the years. Cuddle up together and enjoy reliving the events that have made you who you are as a couple.

Learn something new.
Check your local city recreation, YMCA or community college schedules for available classes coming up. Classes through those organizations tend to be quite affordable. Pick a new skill you’d like to learn together like painting, ballroom dancing or woodworking and enjoy time together during class each week. Who knows – that new skill might even come in handy for your spouse’s new career.

 Begin a fitness routine.
Maybe it’s just taking a walk each day – or maybe you want to train together for a 5K next summer. Become each others’ fitness partners. You’ll not only get to spend time together, but you’ll also be able to keep each other motivated to reach your goals.

Volunteer and help others.
Usher at church, do yard clean-up for an elderly neighbor, read books at a nursing home, serve food at the local emergency shelter, walk dogs at the local animal shelter – there are any number of volunteer activities you can do together. And while your hearts are warmed by being together, you’ll also warm the hearts of others through your service to them.

We’d love to hear from you: How do you and your spouse keep love alive on a budget?

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) January 27, 2010

In one of my recent posts, I talked a bit about how the journey with a spouse in career transition can be a long one. 

So what do you do when the magical end date for unemployment insurance is getting closer and closer at hand? How, you may ask, do you cut things back even further when you’ve already been cutting back?

I’m going to preface the following with a disclaimer. (Thank you, 11 years of working with lawyers in a highly regulated industry.) I am not a financial advisor, nor do I suggest any of the following as official financial advice. You really need to consult your own professional financial about what makes sense for your situation and what your options are. What I do want to offer, however, is food for thought from my own life.

Here are some things to consider as the journey gets longer.

Look at your budget…again.
There are “nice to haves” and “need to haves.” For example, saving for retirement is a really important strategy. And…it also won’t kill our entire future if we stop investing for a few months. 

Rethink priorities…again.
Here’s an example. Our cable bill just went up. And we started thinking hard about whether cable is a necessity or just a nicety. Especially in the days of Hulu.com – is it worth over $100 a month for the convenience of flipping through a bunch channels just because we’re bored?  Or could we get by with Internet and more time to read books?

Protect the income you do have.
As the sole breadwinner, I decided to take out a disability insurance policy for myself, above what my employer already covered. It’s an added expense (at a time we don’t need additions), but for me it was worth knowing that if something happened to me while my husband’s still looking for work, the income we do have would be safer.

Encourage your spouse to start broadening the job search.
Undesirable as this prospect may be, if the realities of this economy and job market are such that he’s just not finding a job that fulfills his worth and experience, it might be time to broaden the options. Discuss the possibility of looking for less senior positions or positions in former fields of expertise. Or, if your family situation would allow, discuss the possibility of broadening the geographic part of the search. There may be more opportunity in other areas.

If dire straits are truly near, consider part-time work.
Not that any career professional (let alone an MBA) would relish the thought, but asking if “you want fries with that” would at least help make ends meet if you need to make up for unemployment insurance when it ends. And a part-time schedule would allow for networking and job searching time. If you want to be really supportive, you could consider part-time work, too. Perhaps working weekends at a shop you love.

Consider the value of your clutter.
Do you have things around the house you don’t use but may have value? For instance, since my husband and I got iPods, we realized we never used our CDs anymore. So we sold them to a used book store and made several hundred dollars. Look around to see if there might be things you could trade in for cash. 

Hang in there and keep supporting each other.
You will get through this. Together. There will be a better future.

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) January 13, 2010

I have a phrase I’ve shared with many people: “Patience is a virtue.  It’s just not one of mine.” 

Tolerance, I’ve got plenty.

Love, in abundance.

Understanding, in spades. 

Patience…not so much.

 So when I tell you that if you have a spouse in career transition that you should be prepared for this journey to be long one, I want you to appreciate exactly how hard that journey is for me.

 I’m a doer. I’m an action girl. I love to help. I adore making things happen.  How does that work into helping my husband find work? It really, really doesn’t.

 The reality is, in today’s environment it can take a long time to find a new job. There are lots of really talented, highly experienced people out there and available for hire. I remember a time when job descriptions might have said they wanted 10 years of XYZ experience, but didn’t necessarily require that of a potential employee.  I remember a time when they might have taken a chance on someone with different industry experience but who had the right skills.  Now, companies can be entirely prescriptive of exactly the length and type of experience they want – and have 46 people apply with those exact specifications.

 I’m not going to lie: the waiting is hard. And it’s especially hard as the spouse of the one doing the looking. Because really – there’s nothing you can actively “do” to help. And as the wait gets longer, the more stressful things can get.

So how do you get through the seeming eternity that is your spouse’s transition? How do you keep your household – and marriage – going?

 Occasionally, revisit your plan.
You put together a budget, agreed on compromises and schedules within the first few weeks of transition.  But it’s a good idea to revisit those if the journey is taking a few months. Make sure the plans you set will still work if things go longer than you thought. 

If need be, create a “worst case scenario” plan. 
What happens if unemployment insurance runs out and your spouse still hasn’t found a new career? Take another look at finances, support networks and possibilities. Create the “holy crud” plan now, while things are still okay. That way, if it needs to be put in place, you won’t have to create it in a panic.

Find ways to re-energize.
If you’ve ever followed a diet plan, you know that even when you begin a plan with utmost dedication, after awhile, you can lose energy. Find ways in the midst of this transition to re-energize – individually and as a couple. Talk to each other. Encourage one another. Pursue (affordable) hobbies or activities that make you feel good. Build romance into each day.

Stay supportive.
If you think you’re feeling dragged down as the career transition timeline continually drags on, how do you think your spouse feels? No matter how hard it is, keep offering support. Let him know every day you love him and believe in him.

 By Diva Nikki
 (c) January 6, 2010

Guilty pleasure admission: I’m a “Gleek.”  Since the very pilot episode of the TV show Glee, I’ve been hooked. 

There’s something about the absolutely over-the-top portrayal of a group of high school misfits, their weekly slushie face-dousing trials…and the way they continually fight through the negativity and adversity to do what they love…that endears this show to me.

Their wildly successful pilot episode featured the small group of initial Glee kids doing an amazing version of the Journey tune “Don’t Stop Believin’.” I will admit – I went out to You Tube and watched it several times.

There’s something about that song – and the show – that resonates with my life right now.  As the wife of a husband in career transition, I feel like negativity exists every day in our household.  While I’m quite happy (as is my unstained wardrobe) that I don’t literally have a grape slushie thrown in my face each day, there are certainly days where it’s hit me or my husband in a proverbial sense. 

Like every time he applies for a job and gets the lovely standard form rejection letter (sometimes within a day, which really hits you).  Or each time he tries to sell a great new idea for a startup business to a new client and never hears back from them.  When we count the days until unemployment insurance runs out.  As I’m in a store and don’t get to purchase something I want because we’re on a budget. And when we have to endure well-meaning people who say really trite, insensitive things about my husband’s current employment situation, essentially saying, “You’ll never be able to pull this off.”

Every day we live through the adversity, I feel just like one of those poor high school kids, getting up every morning and just knowing the cold, icky (though maybe not bright purple) reality that’s going to be sloshed in my face.

The lesson for me here really is:  “Don’t Stop Believin’.”

Don’t stop believin’ in my husband’s brilliance and abilities. 

Don’t stop believin’ that everything will be ok. 

Don’t stop believin’ that there really is a greater Plan unfolding.

Don’t stop believin’ that the economy will improve and more jobs will become available.

Don’t stop believin’ my husband is doing everything he can to find a new career.

Don’t stop believin’ in my own ability to keep supporting my husband emotionally…and our household financially.

I think I need to go work on my jazz hands…

By Diva Nikki
(c) December 16, 2009

As 21^st Century women, we’ve grown up being told we can do anything—and everything—we put our minds to.

We balance careers and families. We volunteer, cook gourmet meals and wear fabulous shoes while doing it. We can do it all. We’re superwomen.

AND we’re now supporting our households financially and emotionally while our spouses search for their next careers.

The first time my husband was unemployed was within the first year of our marriage. We were both working toward our MBA degrees full time while working full time, and I felt like I still had to prove I was a perfect wife.

When my husband lost his job, I tried to keep things going as “normal”—which meant that not only was I working and studying full time, I was also still doing all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, remembering of all family birthdays…you get the picture.

Eventually, I cracked. It was eating me up inside that I was doing ALL this work and my husband was home. All day. Watching curling during the Olympics and playing video games.

At first I wanted to blame him. “I shouldn’t have to ask him to help,” I thought. “He should just recognize what needs to be done and do it!”

Then I realized: The reason he wasn’t helping was because I’d never asked him. So I finally did.  I learned that there are ways to ask for help that are more effective than others.

Ask. Don’t tell. Don’t yell. Ask.
Truthfully, unless you ask, your spouse probably doesn’t even realize you need help. Yelling at him or telling him what to do are not effective. Be calm, be specific.

Specifically, ask for help.
Your spouse isn’t going to say, “Gee, honey – I’d LOVE to do a bunch more work I’ve never done before!” But loving spouses do get a feeling of purpose by helping those they love. You’re giving them an opportunity to do that. Plus, by taking some of the incidental sources of stress off your plate, you’ve got more capacity to provide emotional support for him.

Teach him what to do.
If you’re asking for help around the house with chores he’s never done before, your spouse may need a bit of instruction. Show him where supplies are, how to work appliances, etc.

Make things easy.
Gather cleaning supplies into one area.  Buy ready-made frozen meals or mixes. Separate your dirty laundry. Make detailed lists.

Adjust your expectations.
Your spouse is not you. Do not expect that things will be done exactly as you do them. Rather, appreciate that things get done. Even if towels are folded differently or you eat spaghetti for four days in a row, celebrate the fact that you have clean towels and a meal prepared for you when you get home.

Show sincere appreciation.
Your spouse is helping you out, during a time when he’s already feeling stressed. Let him know that you truly appreciate what he’s doing to help make your life easier.